Tuesday, August 12, 2014

The Unremarkable "Culture" of the Ohio State University Marching Band, Part 2

Much ado has been made of the underground songbook that has persisted over the decades in the Ohio State University Marching Band. It must be noted that the songbook has persisted despite ongoing efforts by the directing staff to eliminate its existence. The following was found on the University of Wisconsin website at http://wilson.engr.wisc.edu/rsfc/fightsongsII.txt. It has been copied and pasted in its entirety without alteration. As you will see, "alternative" lyrics to other schools' fight songs are nothing new and are not restricted to Ohio State.

-Sherri Rapp







Parodies of College Football Fight Songs
-----------------------------------------

AUBURN

to the tune of the Battle Hymn of the Republic, 
which they play after every touchdown:

You may think that you're world beaters
But your team's a bunch of dirty cheaters
Your state is full of drunk wife-beaters
**** you, you cheating ****s


UNIVERSITY OF ALABAMA

making fun of their Rammer Jammer cheer:

Hey Bama
Hey Bama
Hey Bama
We just beat the hell out of you
Whammer Yammer
Drunken Stammer
Go to hell Alabama


UNIVERSITY OF ARIZONA

1. Fall Down, Arizona (to tune of Bear down, Arizona):

Fall down, Arizona,
Fall down, black and blue.
Fall down, Arizona,
You know damn well you're through.

So it's Trip! Fall!
Drop that ball!
Arizona, you are screwed!

2.
Here comes the band
The U of A band
With endless repetition.
The shows a bore
We've seen it before
It's become a damned tradition!
So here comes the band
And, gee, but it's bland
To that bear down melody (repeat 3x in rapid succession).
So sneer at Arizona
BEER for Arizona!
The band that's a bore to see!


ARIZONA STATE UNIVERSITY

 Eat ****, you ***-****ing ***s
 Rip off your heads and **** down your necks.
 Rape all your women, **** 'em like rabbits
 You won't join in 'cause you're all flaming ******s.
 Hey, all you Sun Devil queers,
 Here's our nice reply
 You better shove that rose right up your ***,
 'Cause you're gonna die.


BOSTON COLLEGE

For Boston
----------
For Boston, For Boston,
The Outhouse on the hill.
For Boston, For Boston,
They **** and always will.
So, here's to the outhouse on the hill,
BC ****S AND ALWAYS WILL!


UNIVERSITY OF CALIFORNIA AT BERKELEY

1. The Dirty Golden Bear (to the tune of "The Sturdy Golden Bear")

(verse 1)
The Dirty Golden Bear
Is losing all his hair
His teeth are out
He's got the gout
He knows not what it's all about
His eyes are made of glass
He's losing all his class
So TAKE the Dirty Golden Bear and shove him up your ***!

(verse 2)
The Dirty Golden Bear
Has dirty pubic hair
His dick is dead
It's got no head
He cannot get it up in bed
He tries to use his hand
But cannot find his gland
So YOU can find him jerking off the UC Berkeley Band!


CAL POLY:

Ride Me, You Mustang!

Ride me, you Mustang
Kick your boots off, **** me please
Ride me, you mustang
I'm down on my hands and my knees
Oh! Oh! Oh!

Ride me, you Mustang
Sing a tune and do me now
Ride me and make me lusty
Plow! Plow! Plow!


This is the not-so-nasty-but-not-quite-our-alma mater-version:

I Hurl Green and Gold
=====================

I hurl Green and Gold
The tequila was quite old
The salt and the lime
Came spewing up with mold

I hurl Green and Gold
My world is in a whirl
So for California Polytechnic,
Hurl! Hurl! Hurl!


UNIVERSITY OF CALIFORNIA AT DAVIS

1. (To Sons of California)

We're dirty sons of bitches,
We're rotten to the core.
We could not get a piece of ***,
not even from a *****.

We flog our rods,
We dick our mitts,
We even pud our gloves.
For we're the band from Davis State,
That only an Aggie could love.

>From the archives of the Marching Lumberjack Band.


UCLA

1. Sons of Berkeley (UCLA)
We are the awesome Bruins,
The awesome bruin band.
We got our awesome uniforms
>From awesome Disneyland.
Our marching is, like, boring.
Our playing is, like, bland.
You cannot hear, from far or near,
The awesome Bruin band...


2. (to Sons of Westwood)
High up in the hills of Westwood
Sprawled offensive to the eye
Lies a Cal extension campus
Known as Westwood High (high high high)
Home of all the Bruin bearcubs
UGLY is its name
The student body's vile
The football team's a pile
and the campus is a shame!

U (clap clap clap) G (clap clap clap) L (clap clap clap) Y (clap clap clap)
U G L Y Eat My Shorts!

Bruins are a bunch of ******s
Songgirls are a bunch of sluts
When they spread their legs so wide
they look like garbage trucks (good food!)
When we all go up to Westwood
Bruins are so gay
Each bruin in the band
his unit in his hand
will whack the night away!

In the locker room at halftime
Bruins give each other head
They congratulate the coach
by taking him to bed
When the bruins break the huddle
Pants will come back up
Each bruin on the squad
will surely shoot his wad
right in <enter quarterback's name> mouth!


UNIVERSITY OF COLORADO

1.
Colorado:
Glory, Glory Coloradder
Lick my crack and drink my bladder

(forget the rest)

2.
You're not going to a bowl game
You're not going to a bowl game
You're not going to a bowl game
Watch NU on TV


CLEMSON UNIVERSITY

1. To the tune of "The Tiger Rag"Rag:

Hold the tiger
Choke the chicken
Shock the monkey
Rock the lobster
Beat the bishop
Feed the kitten
Make the bull moose roar...
Irritate the badger
Change the transmission fluid
J-E-R-K-O-F---F!


CORNELL UNIVERSITY

(alma mater)

Far above Cayughoa's (sp) waters
There's an awful smell
Some say it's Cayughoa's waters
We say it's Cornell

Sons of bitches, Sons of bastards
40,000 strong
40,000 horse's ***es
Call themselves Cornell


HARVARD UNIVERSITY

1.
                        H - A - ahr
                        H - A - ahr
                        H - A - ahr with a V.

                        V - A - ahr
                        V - A - ahr
                        V - A - ahr with a D

                        Hahvahd.

                        Hahvahd men are really tough.
                        They know how to knit and stuff!
                        Knit one, purl two.
                        Hahvahd.
                        YOO-HOO!


FLORIDA STATE 

when they do their tomahawk chop:

**** the crimi-noles
They **** ani-moles
**** the crimi-noles
They **** geni-toles


UNIVERSITY OF GEORGIA

1. To the tune of The University of Georgia Fight Song:

Don't send my boy to M.I.T.
The dying mother said.
Don't send my boy to Emory
I'd rather see him dead.
But send my boy to Georgia Tech
'Tis better than Cornell.
But as for University of Georgia:
I'd RATHER SEE HIM IN HELL!

CHORUS:
     To hell, to hell to hell with Georgia,
     To hell, to hell to hell with Georgia,
     To hell, to hell to hell with Georgia,
     The Cesspool of the South!

Mine eyes have seen the glory of the stomping of the dogs,
We will teach those poor darn farmboys they should stick to slopping hogs,
When the Jackets are triumphant we will raise a mighty cheer,
"We'll do the same next year!"

On the field between the hedges there arose a mighty stench,
In the dog machine the engineers will throw a monkey wrench,
When the Jackets are triumphant we will raise a mighty yell,
"Them dogs can go to hell!"

Mine eyes have seen the glory of the NCAA,
They're investigating Georgia players to see how much their paid,
After counting all the cars, and the loans alumni made,
They outpaid the NBA (*)

* Alternative lyric:  NC State

2. the Clemson version of To Hell with Georgia:

Nothing ****s worse than to be up in NC
To be up in NC
To be up in NC
Nothing ****s worse than to be up in NC
Unless you're down in Georgia
Mine eyes have seen the rednecks and their common law affairs
Mine eyes have seen them get so drunk they fall right down the stairs
I see those toothless bastards and I can't help but yell
Oh God what is that smell?
To hell, to hell, to hell with Georgia
To hell, to hell, to hell with Georgia
To hell, to hell, to hell with Georgia
The cesspool of the South
I couldn't give a hell about a worthless vict'ry bell
I couldn't give a damn about the Red Corp Marching Band
If I see Uga's balls again up on the Jumbo Tron
My patience will be gone
To hell, to hell, to hell with Georgia
To hell, to hell, to hell with Georgia
To hell, to hell, to hell with Georgia
The cesspool of the South
The next time you're down in Georgia take a careful look around
You can always tell a bulldog fan when he makes that stupid sound
In case you're wondering where that bark originated from
They're emulating mom
To hell, to hell, to hell with Georgia
To hell, to hell, to hell with Georgia
To hell, to hell, to hell with Georgia
The cesspool of the South


GEORGIA TECH

To the tune of Ramblin' Wreck (Georgia Tech's fightsong):

She's a tweedly **** from Agner Scott
She'll **** for fifty cents
She'll put her *** upon the grass
Her pants upon the fence
She'll lick your sweaty nut sack
She'll suck your slimy ****
But get of her, you son of a bitch
If you're from Georgia Tech


UNIVERSITY OF IOWA

To the tune of The Battle Hymn of the Republic:

1.  (curtesy of Northwestern)
Mine eyes have seen the glory of the shucking of the corn
They have outlawed education where the black and gold are worn
And when the game is over Hawkeye fans will start to mourn
The Cats are marching on.

Although your homes are mobile your team is not on the go
We'll be out in Pasadena while you're sitting home in snow
You'll be nodding off at halftime while your band does park and blow
The Cats are marching on.

Sorry, sorry little Hawkeyes
When, if ever will you realize
There's more to life than watching corn rise
The Cats are marching on.

2.  (curtesy of Jeff Guelzow)
Mine eyes have seen the glory of the shucking of the corn
They have outlawed education where the black and gold are worn
And when the game is over Hawkeye fans will start to mourn
Oh Bucky keeps marching on.

Although your homes are mobile your team is not on the go
We'll be out in Pasadena while you're sitting home in snow
You'll be nodding off at halftime while your band does park and blow
Yeah Bucky keeps marching on.

Sorry, sorry little Hawkeyes when, if ever will you realize
There's more to life than watching all that corn rise
And when the season's over then Hayden Frye decries
That Bucky keeps marching on.


UNIVERSITY OF INDIANA

1.
Marching Hundred, your ranks have swelled so
That you're looking quite like Purdue
Oh, Indiana, you big banana
The Wildcat Band will just chew up you

2.
Oh Indiana, you big banana,
Oh Indiana, to hell with you.
We will fight for our cream and coffee
And the Honor of Old Purdue!

At the altar, you always falter,
And in battle, you're black and blue!

Oh Indiana, Oh Indiana, Oh Indiana, TO HELL WITH YOU!!!

..... "Screw I.U.!"


LEHIGH UNIVERSITY


GOBLET:

Get out that old silver goblet
With Lehigh Upon it and we'll
Open up another keg of beer(MORE BEER!)
For we all came to college, but we didn't come for knowledge
So we'll raise hell while we're here!

ALTERNATE LYRICS:

Get out those old pink panties
That used to be your aunties
With the big brass buttons on the side
With the hole in the middle where your uncle used to fiddle
In the good old summertime.


(To the tune of LEHIGH VICTORY)

*******, we want *******
So we can get it up tonight
Give us a ****ing *******
Wrap your lips 'round tight, BITCH!
*******, we want a *******
So we can fill your hole tonight
****, ****, **** together
****, ****, **** forever
On to ecstacy.


UNIVERSITY OF KANSAS

1. Sung to the KU alma mater:
Across the stagnant water
Beneath the sky so blue
Lies an abandoned outhouse
That they call KU

Alma Mater
Flush the water
Let the pipes run true
20000 *****S and ******S
Down at old KU

Rock Chalk chickenhawk **** KU
(repeat twice)

2.
To the tune of the KU fight song

I'm a gay gay gay-gay gayhawk and I don't like girls at all
(repeat)
I love to see the boys with their tight little jeans
I love to stick my dick between their cheeks when I cream
caus I'm a gay gay gay gay gayhawk and I don't like girls at all!!!!


UNIVERSITY OF MASSACHUSETTS

**** off and die Massachusetts
Eat **** and die cheesy scum.
**** off and die Massachusetts
Go take it up the bum.

Out in the middle of no where
With nothing but sheep to *****
**** off and die Massachusetts
'Cause you couldn't get in BU.  (alternate, "'Cause we are better than you!")


UNIVERSITY OF MICHIGAN

1.
Hail to the Mother ****ers,
Hail to the Big **** ****ers,
Hail Hail to Michigan the cesspoll of the West,
Hail to the Fornicators,
Hail to the Masterbaters
Hail Hail to Michigan the cesspoll of the West,

2.
Here is the "U of M lowly Trite Song"
What is a "Victors Valiant"
Who are the conquering heroes?
Fail! Fail! U. Michigan
You must be second best

Mice from the Wolverine State
Cats have decided your fate
Fail! Fail! U. Michigan
The armpit of the west

From: mark.mitchell@gtri.gatech.edu (Mark A. Mitchell)
Top Ten Lyrics to Michigan Fight Song:

 10.  Fail! Fail! We Missed-Again!
Fail!  To the second-rate finishers!
Fail!  The return diminishers!
Fail!  Fail!  To Michigan!
We always flunk the test!

Fail!  But remember our cheer:
Fail!  But just WAIT 'TIL NEXT YEAR!
Fail!  Fail!  We Missed-Again!
Forever second best!

  9.  Help! Help! For Michigan!
Help!  For the big game losers!
Help!  For the choke excusers!
Help!  Help!  For Michigan,
Aid is needed here!

Help!  For the behind-laggers!
Help!  The MNC gaggers!
Help!  Help!  For Michigan,
But WAIT UNTIL NEXT YEAR!

  8.  Hurl!  Hurl!  To Sing Again!
Hurl!  To this wretched fight song!
Hurl!  While the hounds bark along!
Hurl!  Hurl!  This fight song ****s!
Vomit and spew!

Hurl!  At this putrid show tune!
Hurl!  May the song please end soon!
Hurl!  Hurl!  Our fight song ****s!
We barf in Maize and Blue!

  7.  Tie!  Tie!  With Sissy-men!
Tie!  With the non-deciders!
Tie!  With the draw abiders!
Tie!  Tie!  With Sissy-men!
Chokers and goats!

Tie!  With the even-Stephens!
Tie!  With the no-win heathens!
Tie!  Tie!  With Sissy-men!
Grasping at their throats!

  6.  Hail!  Hail!  To Michigan!
Hail!  To the victors valiant!
Hail!  To the conquering heroes!
Hail!  Hail!  To Michigan!
Leaders and best!

Hail!  To the victors valiant!
Hail!  To the conquering heroes!
Hail!  Hail!  To Michigan!
Champions of the West!

 5.  Hell, hell, two Missed-again,
Hell, two thee victuals valid!
Hell, two thee concrete zeroes!
Hell, hell, two Missed-again,
Ladies hand beasts!

Hell, two thee victims violent!
Hell, two thee concurrent egos!
Hell, hell, two Missed-again,
Chomping off thee Worst!

 4.  Haul!  Haul!  To Michigan!
Haul!  In your huddled masses!
Haul!  In the lazy ***es!
Haul!  Them All!  To Michigan!
Human refuse bin!

Haul!  In the hopeless losers!
Haul!  In the crap school choosers!
Haul!  Them All!  To Michigan!
Where they will fit right in!

 3.  Pale!  Pale!  Comparison!
Pale!  Up against Notre Dame!
Pale!  When compared to that name!
Pale!  Pale!  Comparison!
Nineteen-forty-eight!

Pale!  UM cannot compare!
Pale!  To their Irish nightmare!
Pale!  Pale!  Comparison!
Eight MNC's to date!

 2.  Nail!  Nail!  In Michigan!
Nail!  In the coffin, that is!
Nail!  In the second-rate status!
Nail!  Nail!  In Michigan!
As they whine and pout!

Nail!  The final one is Penn State!
Nail!  Ignominious fate!
Nail!  Nail!  In Michigan!
They'll never get back out!

 1.  Wait!  Wait!  Until next year!
Wait!  Oh, just wait 'til next year!
Wait!  We will be right back here!
Wait!  Wait!  For Michigan!
En francais: deja vu!

Wait!  It is quite apparent!
Wait!  Things will all be different!
Wait!  Wait!  Until next year!
We'll Finish Number Two!


MICHIGAN STATE

1.
Green and white what a ****y shight,
Time to Play the Spartans,
What a poor excuse for Football,
Bolier easy win,
Rah, Rah, Rah,
***s are prancing in East Lansing,
Oh what a ****y sight,
**** You M.S.U.,
Boliers going to win again.

2.
M.S.U. what did you do
To deserve this fight song?
We don't mean to rub it in
But what the hell is Spartan Vim?

You won't want to watch this game
And witness your team's demise
SMASH! BANG! HURT MAIM KILL!
Cats will cut you down to size!


THE MINNESOTA MOUSER (tune of Gopher fight song)

Gopher meatballs, gopher fondue:
Minnesota Gophers are good for NU.
Gopher snacks, on crackers or toast:
Anytime the day or night,
Wrap one up and take a bite,
Let's have a Gopher roast !!!


UNIVERSITY OF NEBRASKA

        One Tinhorn Doctor  [Mark Mitchell, 1996]
 (tune of "One Tin Soldier" a.k.a. "The Theme from Billy Jack")
Go ahead and beat your girlfriend,
Go ahead and wield a gun,
If you do it in the name of Huskers,
It'll never bother dear old Tom,

And on the bloody Sunday after ... Dr. Tom will watch some film.

Go ahead and rape your sister,
Go ahead and kill your pop,
If you can run a 4.0 40,
Dr. Tom is gonna sign you up,

And on the bloody Sunday after ... Husker fans will cheer and shout.


UNIVERSITY OF NORTH CAROLINA

Way beyond the Durham ditches, there's a place like hell,
Where twenty thousand sons of bitches call it Chapel Hill.

So, piss on Carolina 'lina
Piss on Carolina 'lina
Piss on Carolina 'lina
Go to hell State!

Oh, they're bastards born, and they're bastards bred,
And when they die, they'll be bastards dead.

So, piss on Carolina 'lina
Piss on Carolina 'lina
Piss on Carolina 'lina
Go to hell State! (or Duke)


NORTHWESTERN UNIVERSITY

**** U Northwestern
You guys really ****
Every time you touch the ball,
You really **** it up!



NOTRE DAME

1.
Spuds, corned beef, cabbage and stew
Catholics are you and dumb Irish, tew
Irish luck won't win this game
School where the hunchback got its name

Your team is little green ugly squirts
Leprechaun blood will drip phrom our shirts
Though you pray old Notre Dame
Northwestern will win the game
GO CATS!

2.1
Beers, beers for old Notre Dame
Bring on the cocktails, we want champagne
Send the freshmen out for gin,
Don't let a sober sophomore in.
We never stagger, we never fall,
We sober up on wood alcohol,
All the loyal faculty lie drunk on the bar room floor!

2.2
Beer, beer for old Notre Dame.
Bring on the whiskey, bring on the dames!
We drink wine or beer or gin
Don't let a sober person in!

We never stumble, we never fall.
We sober up on wood alcohol.
As our loyal sons go marching
Back to the bar for more!

3.
Ara is gone, and Dan was Devine
but Robinson will kick Holtz' behind!
When the Irish take the field,
Their blood runs cold and they get killed.
Their golden dome is made out of brass
Their marching band just sits on its ***
And the leprechaun is queer
In heaven there is no beer.

In heaven there is no beer
That's why we drink it here
And when we're gone from here
All our friends will be drinking all our beer

(Alternate:
In heaven there is no pot
That's why we smoke it in the land of zot (hey, the guy who wrote this
And when alive we're not     was stoned)
all our friends will be smoking all our pot.


OHIO STATE UNIVERSITY

1.
Warn the world, Ohio State is bringing Woody Hayes
When he sees a camera he will shove it in your face (hey hey hey!)
That's how Woody shows us his class
He should have one shoved up his ***!
Hail! hail! to Michigan
That's the team that should be here now.

2.
Hail to Ohio State for firing what's-his-name,
You think you can win now but we'll beat you just the same --
<QB's name> thinks he's got so much class, 
What'll he think when he's on his ***?
Hail, hail to Michigan
Don't you wish you could beat them now

   "Across the Field", written in 1999 by a Penn Stater
We're gonna kick your *** across the field until your ****s turn blue
We're gonna make you **** John Cooper's {insert current coach's) **** until
he shoots his goo, eww eww
Ohio girls are ugly and fat
I would rather eat out a rat
**** YOU, OHIO STATE!
YOU'RE A KNOW-NOTHING PARTY SCHOOL!


UNIVERSITY OF OKLAHOMA

1.
Garry Gibbs got his *** torn
By a raging Texas Longhorn
And on Sunday, at his liesure
****s his Grandpa to a siezure

Roarin 'cross the prarie
Where the mothers come from dairy
And the fathers **** the cattle
And the offspring join the Banned

**** little chickens
**** little piggies
**** little puppies
**** off ducks
Eat my *** out with a fork
****ing ***************s, YA'LL ****!


2.
Sung to the tune of Boomer Sooner.

Bite My ***
Bite My ***
Bite My ***
Bite My ***
(Repeat 1x)

Bite, Bite,
Nibble, Chew,
You can bite my *** in two,
Sonners can bite my  ***!


OKLAHOMA STATE UNIVERSITY

1.
Eat me, Lick Me
Ride Me Cowboy, You ****ing ***s
Spread my butt cheeks
Ride me Cowboy, You ****ing ***s
You have no dicks
Ride me Cowboy, You ****ing ***s
You all eat ****
And you all **** (coaches name) ****

2.
Hide, hide, hide, hide,
Hide now, Cowboys,
Get off the field;
 
Fall! Fall! Fall! Fall!
Fall down Cowboys,
You always yield.
 
Lose, lose, lose, lose,
Lose now, Cowboys,
You always do;
 
You won
Because we know that OSU --****S!


UNIVERSITY OF OREGON

1.
Oregon my Alma Mater
Where the men of Iron are found
In the bushes with the coeds
Making Love upon the ground
This goes on 'till early morning
When the cops break up the fun
There'll be a military wedding
For the Sons of Oregon

 -- then the break strain
duh-da da-dum dum dum
Quack Quack Quack
duh-da da-dum dum dum
Quack Quack Quack
duh-da da-dum dum
Quack
duh-da da-dum dum
Quack
dum dum dum dum dum dum dum dum dum
Quack Quack

Oregon my Alma Mater
Home of the spastic duck
Where the women all run naked
And the men to weak to ****
When you're old and grey and worn out
and a syphaletic wreck
May your spine fall out your *******
and break your ****ing neck

2.
Oregon our alma matter,
Where the men of steel are found,
In the bushes,
With the co-eds,
Making love upon the ground.
This goes on 'til early morning,
When the cops break up the fun.
There'll be a military wedding,
For the sons of Oregon.

 OR(nastier version)

Oregon our alma matter,
Were the men of steel are found,
In the bushes,
With their right hands,
Jacking off upon the ground.
This goes on 'til early moring,
When they all lap up the ***.
They'll be a high protien breakfast,
for the sons of Oregon


Oregon, our alma mater
Where the men of iron are found
In the bushes with the coeds
Making love upon the ground
This goes on 'til early morning
When the cops break up the fun
There'll be a military wedding
For the sons of Oregon


OREGON STATE UNIVERSITY

1.
O. S. U., our pants are off to you,
Bottom Ten Football, academics, too!

The rest referred to specific OSU basketball players and is 12 years
out of date.  Any Ducks out there?

Oh, the melody is the same as Eastern Michigan's fight song.

2.
OSU our pants are off to you
Beavers, Bastards, sons of bitches too
We'll smoke your cigarettes
We'll **** your majorettes
OSU **** You
Watch the team go tearing down the field
Clods of horse **** hanging on their heels
Hell, hell, hell, hell
It's hell at OSU!


PURDUE UNIVERSITY

1. (to the tune of "Home on the range")

Moo, moo, moo Purdue,
Where the cows roam the campus all day.
Where seldom is heard,
an Intelligent word.
And the athletes get very high pay.

moo, moo, moo Purdue,
It's a school any fool can get through
Where chimpanzees ,
can get bachelor's degrees.
And the Golden Girl straight from the zoo

2. (to the tune of "Hail Purdue")

Hail! Hail! to Old Purdue where big isn't always the best.  
Take for instance the golden girl with the 68 inch chest (flop flop flop).  
Never grateful, never true, you're the marching amoeba mess (**** Purdue).  
Take your bass drum and your twirlers and shove them up your ***, 
and shove them up your ***, shove them up your ***, up your ***.  
(***, ***, ***, ***, titties)


UNIVERSITY OF SOUTHERN CALIFORNIA

1. This one's from the Cal Band - sung to USC's "Fight On"

Fight on for old C$,
Play football here, we pay the best.
We buy each victory.
Last week we bought the referee.
No need to enroll,
Education's never our goal,
Play here.

Fight on for old $c,
The halfback draws a salary.
The ends have all been fired.
They've been no good since they were hired.
No need to enroll,
Education's never our goal,
Play here.


2. THE ESTHER SONG

[This is the song that got the [usc] band in big-time trouble
(and UCLA frat, too, I might mention).  Apparently the UCLA version
was "Lupe the Mexican Whore", so besides being sexist and disgusting,
it was also racist.  :-(  ]

Down in **** valley where red rivers flow
Where *****mongers flourish and ********ers grow
There I met Esther, the girl I adore...
She's my hot-****ing ****-****ing Trojan Band *****.

Oh Esther began at the young age of eight
While swinging upon the old garden gate
The crossbar went down and the upright went in...
And Esther began her long life of sin.

(chorus)
She'll blow you, she'll **** you, she'll gnaw on your ***s,
She'll wrap her legs 'round you and squeeze out your guts,
She'll wrap her legs 'round you 'til you scream for more!
She's my hot-****ing ****-****ing Trojan Band *****.

Now Esther is dead and she lies in her tomb
While maggots and cockroaches crawl in her womb
Oh Esther, oh Esther, oh why did you die?
I'd rather eat Esther than blueberry pie.

(repeat chorus)

3.
Oh, the freshmen at $C get no tail,
(repeat)
So to satisfy their yen,
they go out with Cal State men,
Oh, the freshmen at $C get no tail.

Oh the sophomores at $C get no tail,
(repeat)
So half the freshmen class
Has to take it up the ***.
Oh, the sophomores at $C get no tail.

Oh, the juniors at $C get no tail,
(repeat)
After 3 years of frustration,
They resort to masturbation.
Oh, the juniors at $C get no tail.

Oh, the seniors at $C THEY get tail!
(repeat)
But after 4 years with the guys
They can hardly get a rise.
Oh, the seniors at $C get no tail.

Oh, the women at $C get no tail,
(repeat)
And you know the reason why
Is 'cause they're dry between the thighs,
Oh, the women at $C get no tail.

Oh, the dean at $C gets no tail,
(repeat)
After 47 years,
He is used to all those queers.
Oh, the dean at $C gets no tail

Oh, the horse at $C has no tail
(repeat)
After walking through the halls
He is lucky to have ****s.
Oh, the horse at $C has no tail.


STANFORD UNIVERSITY

1. Always willing to poke fun at itself, here is the Stanford Band's
alternate lyrics for "Come Join the Band."

Come bite the gland
Caress the organ with your hand
Pull on your ****
Until it gets hard as a rock
Let it arise
Until it stares you in the eyes
Beat it, stroke it
Pump it, stoke it
Hold it tight until the fire dies

2.1 To the tune of "MacNamara's Band" (the UCLA version)

Oh, the Cardinals be damned,
The Cardinals be damned,
The Cardinals be damned, my boys,
The Cardinals be damned,
If you're a Stanford Son of a Bitch
who won't bow to the Blue and Gold,
Then you can pucker up your rosy lips
and kiss the Bear's *******!

Here's one of the verses:

Oh, I'm a ***** from Stanford
I'll **** for fifty cents.
I'll lay my ***
upon the grass
And my pants upon the fence.
I'll lick your slimy penis
I'll **** your **** for free
But climb on my chest you son of a bitch
If you're from USC!

2.2 (the USC version)

Oh I wish I had a prick of steel
and balls made of brass
I'd find a marble statue
and ram it up its ***
And breed a race of giants
to rule throughout the land
And sing another chorus
of Cardinals be damned.

Oh, the Cardinals be damned,
The Cardinals be damned,
The Cardinals be damned, my boys,
The Cardinals be damned,
If any Stanford son of a bitch
Doesn't like the Trojan Brass
He can pucker up his rosy lips
And kiss my Trojan ***


TENNESSEE

1.
Oh, rotten crouch
You'll always be
A piece of **** to me
**** you rocky top
Go to hell Tennessee!!

2.
O' Rocky Top, you'll never mean
One damn thing to meeeeeeeeee,
I HATE ROCKY TOP,
GO TO HELL TENNESSEE.


TEXAS

1.
Texas bites, Texas bites
Texas jump up and bite my ***!
B-I-T-E-*-*-*
Texas jump up and bite my ***!

2.  "THE NOSE OF OKLAHOMA"
This is a corruption of the University of Texas song "Eyes of Texas," sung
to the tune of "I've Been Workin' on the Railroad."

The Nose of Oklahoma smells you
All the live long day!
The Nose of Oklahoma smells you
Why don't you just go away?
Always bragging of your greatness,
Shooting off your mouth,
The Nose of Oklahoma smells you,
Our neighbors to the south!
 
[another version]
 
The Nose of Oklahoma smells you
All the live long day!
The Nose of Oklahoma smells you
Why don't you just go away?
All the people down in Austin
Think that they've got class,
But all the people up in Norman
Say tEXAS BITE MY @$$!


TEXAS A&M

1.
Here is a parody commonly used by members of the SWC to parody Texas A&M:
 
A&M's school song has a part that sounds like the Mickey Mouse Club Song
and it is customary that the opposing fans yell out during this portion
of the song M-I-C-K-E-Y  M-O-U-S-E.

2. "AGGIE WAR HYMN"
We are the members of the Kiddie Corps
We go down the field marching eight to four
If we do a show you think you've seen before
Chances are you have 'cause we don't do anymore!
 
3. Another (the best) Aggie War Hymn parody lyrics
I learned this from Alpha Phi Omega Fraternity Alpha Rho Chapter (UT
Austin).  The music is at:
   http://www.rtis.com/reg/bcs/org/aggieband/sounds/war_hymn.mp3

We are a bunch of country hicks,
We are a bunch of country hicks.
We really are a bunch of country hicks,
We feel at home when we are in the sticks,
We thunk we are fairly good at farmin'
We sure ain't no good at thut there book larning'
They call our school a university,
It's a lot more like a clink, clinkity clink.
Attending it sure is an adversity.
Enough to make you want to take a little drink,
Take a little drink.  Maybe take a great big drink.
Fish really envy all those Senior coots,
They get to wear them protective boots.
Slick spots you step on in the barnyard soil,
Are very, very, very seldom oil.
They tell us the flies of Texas are upon us,
Our campus barnyard really stinks, stinks like heck!
Conditions there are very odorous.
Enough to make you want to take a little drink,
Take a little drink.  Maybe take two great big drinks.
We'll save our money, put it in a soil bank,
We'll now forget the words [-pause-]
We'll save our money, put it in a soil bank,
We'll now forget the words [-pause-]
It is a fer piece, down to the outhouse,
If it is too far, stop out at the smokehouse.
Tra la la, la la la la la.
Tra la la, la la la la la.
Tra la la, la la la la Latrine.
It is a fer piece, down to the outhouse,
If it is too far, stop out at the smokehouse.
Uncle Sam, he wants to see us eat.  Hey!
We'll get paid if we don't raise any wheat. Hey!
Learning how to raise no crops at all,
Is how the Texas Aggies have a ball.
Uncle Sam, he wants to see us eat.  Hey!
We'll get paid if we don't raise any wheat. Hey!
Learning how to raise no crops at all,
Is how the Texas Aggies have a ball.

and another version:

We are a bunch of country hicks,
We are a bunch of country hicks.
We really are a bunch of country hicks,
We feel at home when we are in the sticks,
'Though we are fairly good at farmin'       
We surely ain't so good at thut book larning'
They call our school a university,
It is a lot more like a clink, clinkity clink.
Attending it is sheer adversity.
Enough to make you want to take a little drink,
Take a little drink.  Maybe take a great big drink.
Fish really envy all them Senior coots,
They get to wear them big pertective boots.
Slick spots you step on in the barnyard soil,
Are very, very, very seldom oil.
They tell us the flies of Texas are upon us,
Our campus barnyard really stinks, stinks like heck!
Conditions here are really onerous.
 (William Roddy note: I think "very odorous" is better)
Enough to make you want to take a little drink,
Take a little drink.  Maybe take two great big drinks.
We'll save our money, put it in a soil bank,
We'll now forget the words [-pause-]
We'll save our money, put it in a soil bank,
We'll now forget the words [-pause-]
It is a fer piece, down to the outhouse,
If it is too fer, stop out at the smokehouse.
Tra la la, la la la la la.
Tra la la, la la la la la.
Tra la la, la la la la Latrine.
It is a fer piece, down to the outhouse,
If it is too fer, stop out at the smokehouse.
Uncle Sam, he wants to see us eat.  Hey!
We'll get paid if we don't raise no wheat. Hey!
Learning how to raise no crops at all,
Is how the Texas Aggies have a ball.
Uncle Sam, he wants to see us eat.  Hey!
We'll get paid if we don't raise no wheat. Hey!
Learning how to raise no crops at all,
Is how the Texas Aggies have a ball.


UNIVERSITY OF WISCONSIN

1a.
Oh Wisconsin, poor Wisconsin
Party school of fame
You would enjoy academics
But you lack the brain
LET'S GO DRINK!

Oh Wisconsin, poor Wisconsin
Drink yourselves insane
Drink for your Badgers
Will get trashed this game.

1b.
On Wisconsin!  On Wisconsin!
Bounce right off that line.
Run the ball three times a series,
Punt on fourth and nine.

On Wisconsin!  On Wisconsin!
Every week's the same.
Drink, fellows, drink, drink, drink,
Forget this game.

2.
Cheese Wisconsin, cheese Wisconsin
All you eat is cheese
Kraft Velveeta Mozzarella
Pass the Gouda please
(CHEESE CURDS NOW!)


This WWW site would like to thank the following for their upload:

Russel S. Wilkinson <wilkir2@rpi.edu>
H. Alan Schup
carroln AT clemson DOT edu
William Roddy  bill4net AT yahoo DOT com

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